Sketchl TV

SOUTHIE learning center

 int. apartment – faded out

CLOSE IN ON a young child sitting at a table, staring down at a book, head in hands - exasperated

V.O. - Announcer

Is your child receiving lackluster grades in school? Falling behind his peers? Or are you simply frustrated by your child’s latent, repetitive stupidity?

CUT TO parent and kid fighting – no audio

V.O. - Announcer

Do you wish you could have a “normal” child, one who doesn’t embarrass you in front of your friends?

NO FADE - CUT TO kid screaming into camera

Young Child

I’M JUST STUPID! I CAN’T DO THIS AND I NEVER WILL!!

V.O – Announcer

Well, we’re here to help you and your little cretin. We are Southie Learning Center

CUT TO door being kicked open – a man bursts into the apartment

South Boston Mark

Hey. I’m Mahk. I’m from Southie; and I’m gonna make yah kid wicked smaht.

(Two men in puffy jackets and ski caps file in behind Mark, they jump into positions on either side of the child on the couch)

CLOSE IN on Mark sitting across from the child and his new pals

S.B. Mark

Look, kid – yah gonna be so crazy smaht when we’re done tute-aling you. You wanna go to Hah-vahd? Be a friggin’ egghead?

One of the guys on the couch next to the child begins smacking him in the back of the head, then throws the child’s head down on the book laying on the table in front of him.

S.B Mark

 

(to camera) We use friggin highly effective teaching methahdology..

(To the mother)

Tommy here is teaching ya kid via osmosis

Tommy

(from couch, as he holds the kid’s head to the book forcefully)

Friggin’ learn kid!

RICKY

(to camera)

Our revolutionary methods (used by the US State Department and NY State Legislature) will get ya kid learning at a pace that will shahk you!

CUT TO to the child in the bathroom, held by his feet by Mark’s friends above a toilet bowl, the crew stands around the inverted kid

TOMMY

HISTORY! Where was the first operating public subway system in the world unveiled?

(momentary pause)

 

(whole crew)

BOSTON!

(Toilet flushes off camera) CUT TO the crew on the couch again, kid sits in the middle with a black eye and dripping wet hair

S.B. Mark

Who was the second President of the United States?

Tommy

John Adams! (Tommy throws a gut-shot at the kid on the couch) …and a Boston native, I may add.

Ricky

And exactly who, I ask you, invented the cotton gin?

Mom

(after a beat) Eli Whitney! (She elbows the kid in the ribs and he keels over)

CUT TO the whole team lined up in the apartment, the kid is missing 2 teeth and has a black eye – he’s smiling, gap-toothed.

Kid

Southie Learning Center works… or else!

RICKY

Hey kid – what’s the capital?

Kid

BAHSTAHN!

S.B. Mark

(Throws a thumb at the kid) Soooo wicked smaht…

CUT TO Southie Learning Center Logo – graphic TBD

V.O. Announcer

Get your child the learning his punk-ass needs, Southie Learning Center. (in Boston accent) Whi-cked Smaht.

BLACKOUT